What good is a blog when you can't rant and express your feelings because it's too private to be made public. What good are letters when you cannot write them on paper. Oh the irony of eblogger, oh the irony of life.
For 24 hours my life was simple again. For 24 hours my life consisted of me, my family, my friends. At the end of the 23 hour I was starting to feel comfortable, happy, content with what i have. on the 25th hour my life begin to feel apart. And damn it, 'cause i was really beginning to enjoy those super-bowl commercials. There were some pretty funny ones...
I know i told you that i'd give my life to you, but why does it have to be some damn hard? why does the path have to be so narrow? why? why can't we all get there, on our own time, in our own ways? why is the system made like so? why are we born less than perfection, so that we struggle for the rest of our live striving to for a standard that is out of our reach? If the standard is out the reach than why are we striving towards it? Again and again we fall flat on our face, but yet, we kept going for you. even if it kills me. and it did killed me, at least i said that it did. but if that were the case, then why am i writing all this? Why did you say that anyone who believes in you will have eternal life, but yet, you will not answer to all who calls out your name on that day... i may understand why it has to be this way, but i'm not sure if i'd agree with it. Is there no better way?
How quickly i was reminded of what i'm dealing with here, how fast life catches up with you when you're least expecting it. I feel like i need to be in a hole by myself for 3 days just to catch up with the stuff that's going on in my head. Life is coming at me from all directions, and man, there is a lot of directions. like NNW (north north west), and NNNW (use your imagination- you can do it). Fuck it. i need to start, and finish, my project, plus filling out some applications and whatnots by sunrise. I don't like it.
I am the greatest.
"Like a clown i put on a show,
the pain is real even if nobody knows,
and i'm crying inside. and nobody knows it but me."
-Tony Rich, song-nobody knows
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dave, i'm sorry i had to be such a downer. you know, you're doing something great- that a lot of people, like me, would have given up a long long time ago. and if God's for real- than he can see this. maybe all the struggling we do in this world is to see that there's gotta be something better. i know that God's using you for a reason- he's been using you the first day that i met you.
this too will pass, my little friend.
i love you- and dont feel that you are alone.
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